Where Are You Sourcing Your Approval?
Image by Emily Thompson via Unsplash
As leaders, where we source our approval matters. It shapes how we show up—in our decision-making, our creativity, our relationships, and even in the authenticity of our work. When we source approval from within, we lead from love instead of fear.
I’ve found myself reflecting on how often I look for signs that I’m okay, doing enough, or being enough—especially from outside of myself. Whether it’s a comment, a reaction, or even just someone’s tone, I can slip into interpreting those signals as evidence of my worth.
And here’s the truth: when we’re triggered, this dynamic plays out in real-time, often without us even realizing it.
We feel it in our bodies. We experience an emotional surge. Our minds create a story. And we react—usually in less than a second.
So how do we begin to shift?
How do we learn to lead from internal approval rather than the constant pull of external validation?
For me, that work begins with self-observation.
But it’s also a deeper practice of coming home to myself.
Learning to Source Approval from Within
This isn’t something I’ve mastered. But I am learning. And here are a few ways that learning is unfolding:
1. Pausing before responding
Whether it’s a conversation, an email, or a comment that stirs something in me, I’m practicing the pause. I ask myself, What am I trying to prove right now? or What am I afraid they’ll think if I don’t respond a certain way?
Sometimes just asking the question brings me back to myself.
2. Noticing the story I’m telling
When I feel that old pull—tight shoulders, a sinking heart, a sense of rushing—I try to get curious.
What story is my mind spinning right now?
Often, it’s something like, “They must think I’m not capable” or “I need to fix this to be seen as competent.”
When I name the story, I can choose whether to believe it.
3. Returning to what feels true
Instead of chasing approval, I ask, What feels aligned and true for me right now?
That might mean saying less, slowing down, or honoring a boundary.
It might mean trusting that my value doesn’t hinge on how someone else reacts.
None of this is perfect. But over time, these small moments of awareness are shifting something deeper. I’m finding more space. More groundedness. More trust in who I am.
What It Feels Like: Two Different States
When I’m seeking approval externally, I notice:
My shoulders are tight and pulled up
My chest feels restricted
I feel discouraged, jealous, foolish, or inferior
I rush, scan, and disconnect from the present moment
But when I’m sourcing approval from within:
I feel warmth in my chest and tingling in my arms
I feel hopeful, creative, peaceful, and energized
I let go of negative stories
I show up more fully—and more authentically
Why Self-Observation Matters
Self-observation doesn’t mean we judge ourselves. It means we notice. And when we notice, we create the possibility of choosing a different path.
Every time I pause to observe what’s happening inside me, I strengthen the muscle of internal trust. I expand my capacity to stay rooted—even when the pull of approval is strong.
This is ongoing work. But it’s powerful. And it’s always available.
Want to Try This Practice?
If you're curious about where you might be sourcing your approval—and how that awareness could shift how you lead—I’d be happy to share a simple self-observation tool I use in coaching. Just send me a message.